Time to get creative

In reading my blog lately, you may have noticed I talk a lot about changes and changing and things going downhill and all that. Without going into details, I’ll just say that, after buying the house, I moved into an apartment. I think that sentence is enough to express the heaviness and sadness and confusion and everything else in my life right now without the need to expand at all. Let’s just say that life lately has not been exactly ideal.

If I thought I didn’t feel like creating before, that was a joke. Daily life is at times a struggle. My kitchen wallows in a state of half-cleaned and half-used. I’m living primarily on frozen dinners and uninspired leftovers, and my craft room (one of the three rooms in my apartment…total) is in a state of disarray that makes a hurricane-stricken town look put-together.

But today I made a brownie.

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Brownie in a cup

I got the recipe here.

I made a brownie because what I wanted was a chocolate chip cookie, but all of my chocolate chips are at the house. So I got creative.

Yes, things are changing, and yes, things are hard right now, but I feel confident that there will come a day in the future when I’m able to brush the dust off the sewing machine and get back to making things.

Ummmmmm

Please, before reading this post, go here and at least read the letter that was sent to this family in Ontario.

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Where do I begin? I suppose, to her credit, I should point out that she did use the word retarded in the correct usage. Her neighbor’s grandson was born with slowed mental functions. She wasn’t using it to describe it anything but the child with the diagnosis. And please, please understand that I wrote that with the most bitter, sarcastic, and acerbic tone possible.

Moving on, I have to ask, what the hell is wrong with this woman that she feels the need to use no less than five exclamation points at any given time? Were she to read the letter out loud to her neighbor, then she would have to read it so loud, it would probably frighten her normal children.

Which brings me to her normal children. How sheltered are they that they cannot handle hearing a child playing outside? They’re scared of a little boy. Let that sink in for a minute. I’d be more concerned – in a country with a public health system – about those children that can’t handle being near children than a child with autism, who does have the benefit of a support system. Of course, the writer of the letter wouldn’t know that because she took no time to do research.

And maybe this is a terrible thing to admit, but that upsets me almost more than her general shitty attitude. I mean, if you’re going to write a painfully hateful letter to a neighbor, near whom you must live, regardless of your anonymous rants (coward!), then do your research! I mean this wholeheartedly. If she thinks that this child would be a drain on society, she’d damn well better prove it. I want numbers, and I want graphs.

I had a coworker tell me once that he understood the idea of euthanizing people who couldn’t contribute to society (he was talking about criminals in general, and people who can but don’t work), at which point I said “well some people would argue that my brother fits in that category, since he is disabled.” His response, “well…yeah.” I don’t speak to him anymore, so I never got to hear his evidence to support his claim.

But here’s the thing with these kinds of hateful rants; they are based in nothing be a knee-jerk reaction.

I want to hate this woman for writing this letter. I really do. And part of me does. But the other part of me looks at this and knows that she is not really a threat. I mean, really. If she were a threat, she would have evidence (real or imagined) to support her claims, and she sure as hell would not have remained anonymous.

For instance, the Westboro Baptist Church people are nuts. They hate everyone. But at least they have the decency to announce themselves, so you know who to avoid. I believe that they are wrong in soooo many ways, but in this case, I sadly have to give them credit for standing behind what they say. It takes a certain kind of courage – even if it is hateful and crazy – to maintain your stance, even when so many disagree.

I also can’t hate this woman because, in her clear ignorance, she has done nothing but rally the troops. Her pointless and ineffectual, but still despicably mean, letter has only served to bring the people of that neighborhood together to weed her out. And soon I imagine the crowd will make it impossible for her to selfishly live in a nice neighborhood setting like that.

Oh! Semantics, I realize, but how about her saying that the sound of incessant dog barking is normal, but then telling this woman to move to a “trailer park with that wild animal…” Really? Really. You can’t have it both ways, you psycho.

I feel sorry for her children, and I’ll go ahead and make a prediction right now. Let’s assume she has two of them. One of them, unable to live up to his/her mother’s expectations, will begin to spiral out, finding solace in meth and some former-biker (s/he lost his license in a series of DUIs). S/he will be in and out of rehab, on the Crown’s dime, mind you, until eventually they find him/her in a gutter somewhere, having soiled him/herself, and s/he will become Jane/John Doe at the local hospital.

The other one will be just as spiteful and hateful as her mother, blaming everyone else for their problems, and will simply die alone in a shitty apartment without even a pet because the thought of actually caring for a living thing is so repulsive.

Finally, my favorite part, copied verbatim: “I HATE people like you who believe, just because you have a special needs kid, you are entitled to special treatment!!!GOD!!!!”

What strikes me most are the two words she chose to put in all caps – “hate” and “God” – and how, sadly, those two are too often used in unison.

Second, seriously, woman? Special treatment? You mean, like, allowing your child to play outside on your own lawn? Yeah, geez, that is so shitty of this grandmother. How dare she use her private property in a way that suits her without first consulting you and your chicken-shit parasites children? GOD!!!!

*sigh*

Humor makes it easier to swallow, but in all honesty, I don’t know what to do about people like this. She is so blinded by hatred that no manner of reasonable, honest discourse could happen. I can only hope that, as the media and online communities take this and run with it, that she will at least feel ashamed at how terrible a person she is, and how, despite her claim that everyone is thinking it, she is alone in her own sea of awful.

</soapbox>

Probably time for a new blog title, no?

Sunday night finds me on my bed/couch watching Love, Actually. I’m only about 20 minutes in, so the waterworks haven’t started yet.

On my drive here from the house earlier, I was struck with a very strange thought that has been bouncing around since then. I was trying to pinpoint what exactly I was feeling; what is the difference, I wondered, between guilt and sadness? How do we know when we are angry and not just frustrated?

It all suddenly seemed so bizarre to me. Emotions are really nothing more than electrical synapses and chemical reactions. How did we name them? How did society decide that a specific set of chemicals are “sadness”? And then I was wondering if sadness feels different to other people.

I know that we say that people react differently. Some people wear their hearts on their sleeves, and some people stoically accept their emotions. Is it that they are reacting differently, or is it that these emotions actually feel different, too?

I don’t know if this is going to help me. I just know that this line of thought has really intrigued me.

And given my lack of crafting, or blogging about crafts, for the past…almost year now, I figure I should change the title of this blog soon. Still a polymath, sure, and maybe not just yet. Maybe this blog is really about my journey back to crafting?

I don’t know. I don’t have answers to any of these questions. But then I suppose that’s kind of the point to life, right?

42.

On books

I am writing this post on my iPad because I don’t have my laptop with me, in a strange turn of events.

I just finished House of Chains, the fourth book in the Malazan Book of the Fallen series, one of my absolute favorites. While I was finishing (this is a reread. When the tenth and final book came out, I decided to reread all of them and take notes, so as to not miss anything), I also mused on what books mean to me in general.

There are two types of book lovers and owners. There are those who treat their books like fragile china, always endeavoring to keep them pristine, as though they were fresh from the shelf of a book store. Many of my friends are this way.

I, on the other hand, like my books with a few more miles on them. A virginal book, while wonderful to buy, seems awkward to me. I like my books to be worn, to have been obviously loved so many times that their spines carry the marks of every time they’ve been opened and enjoyed. I think I get this from my mom. She and I share the ritual of throwing a book newly finished onto the ground.

I know some people will view that as abuse, but it is a signal of triumph. Another world conquered. Another time that we have seen and made it through.

My copy of House of Chains has a chunk missing from the cover, the spine has white marks all over it, rendering the artwork there almost unrecognizable. But anyone walking into my home, looking on my shelf, will know that all of those books have been explored. When I speak of them, when I am moved to tears doing so, it is because I have been truly inside that story. I have fought alongside Karsa, trekked the holy desert Raraku with Fiddler, and I have watched the convergence with Pearl.

I realize that it is possible this same outlook expanded to life outside of books might be dangerous, and in fact my life right now is fairly well living proof of that. More than likely, I am trying to find some deeper meaning in nothing. I love books, and I don’t care for pristine. Seems reasonable. And dreadfully obvious.

A genius visited

I have to be getting ready for work, so I don’t have a ton of time, but two things I’d like to mention:

1. In Greece, when an orator or artist created and subsequently unveiled their masterpieces, it was said that they had been visited by a genius. Think of a genius like a muse – a spirit with the ability to grant the orator/artist with the clarity to share their ultimate vision. It wasn’t until the “enlightenment” that people were described as geniuses. I learned all of this in a Ted Talk, and this fact was posited as why the idea of the tortured artist is so prevalent today. Fascinating stuff.

2. I’m reading Kafka on the Shore right now, among other things, and with all of Murakami’s work, there are lines that seem to jump out of the page and stick themselves in my brain. They are timeless and ethereal, yet concrete truths. But more than that, I’ve noticed a pattern: every line that I’ve paused to contemplate and/or write down has been underlined by a previous reader.

I find myself feeling a strange kinship to this faceless, nameless stranger that is drawn to the same tangents in this book.

And a genius visited me, whispering that this could be the beginning of a great story in its own right.

So now I get to go to work, which is not very creative, and hopefully the genius will allow me to pause, just for a few hours. When I get home, I’ll give it the time and attention it deserves.

How cool is that though? I feel a little less alone in the world right now.

It is here

Since I deactivated my Facebook account (not in, like, a hipster “that’s so 2005” way, but in a “I need my life to be real again” way), I have lost my most frequented outlet for letting folks know what I’m doing on a day-to-day basis. I suppose using my blog for that purpose at least forces me to be a little more creative in that it would seem silly to just make a blog post “is at the Westin near O’Hare!” I am, by the way, and this is the swankiest place I’ve ever slept or taken a shower.

But I’m writing because, well, today is the day: Chicago Comic-Con! I’m inspecting the list of panels, and I’m getting so excited. But I have to run and take a shower in this amazing shower, then go get some breakfast. So I can’t really gush about it right now. Just know that I’m here, and I am jumping out of my skin with excitement.

Frame job

What with a gigantic gaming basement now, Eric has been thinking/hoping/dreaming about an epic game table. He did a lot of research online, found some companies that make super game tables, and he mourned the exorbitant prices of them. Thus, he decided that the best option would be to make one.

So I spent 5 hours in the garage today with him working on this:

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Tomorrow I’ll be helping to attach legs and a small lower shelf.

In case you’re wondering, here’s what we did.

1. Cut 5 8ft 2x4s into 4 ft blocks

2. Screwed 9 of said 4ft chunks into two 8ft 2x4s using 3 inch drywall screws.

3. Attached 1x6s on each side on the bottom outside of each 8ft plank.

4. Screwed 1x6s perpendicular to those opposite the 2×4, creating a trough on each side.

5. Screwed on smaller 5ft 1×6 panels to each end of the table, completing the frame.

6. Dropped an 8ft by 4ft plank inside the main portion of the frame, using a rubber mallet to hammer it down into place.

So what we currently have is a 4ft by 8ft gaming area with two 8ft by 6inch troughs that can accommodate dice, drinks, books, or anything else that would otherwise take up game space.

As I mentioned, tomorrow we’ll be hoisting that 150lb monstrosity onto some legs to complete the project.

I’m amazed we got this far. Although I did manage to get my finger in the way of the power tool and drill the side of said finger. That hurt a little bit, not gonna lie. But then…it wouldn’t be a project by me if I didn’t screw up something. A-ha!

I have dropped so many balls

I’ve never learned how to juggle. My dad can juggle, and he’s tried to teach me, but I can’t seem to get a handle on it. This has greatly decreased my chances of fulfilling one of my life goals: becoming a magician. It’s like a thing with them.

But of course I’m only using that as a metaphor for how terrible I am at being a responsible adult with a job and a blog. For whatever reason I can’t seem to do both, and that’s a huge joke because I literally just spent the last three and a half hours eating a microwave dinner, watching Netflix, and getting lost on Pinterest. Three and a half hours. In that time, think of all of the productive things I could have done!

Here’s a list I came up with:

Do the dishes. Finally unpack the last box in my craft room that stares accusingly at me every time I go in there to pile more crap on my desk. Do some pushups. Read a book. Fold some clothes and put them away. Bag up the latest comics. Prepare more for my new job. Prep lunch for tomorrow. Any craft at all. Cut my fingernails. Update my calendar. Figure out what I’m doing with me life. Watch the DVD my counselor gave me. Literally anything else.

This is what paying rent, my phone bill, and getting a new job with a raise costs me in my life. I figure, hey, I already did stuff…why should I do more stuff? Better yet, I’ll look online at the stuff other people are doing. And watch this silly gif of Robert Downey Jr. being totally ok when a guy refers to him as “Tony” on accident.

Yesterday I booked the hotel room to attend comic con next weekend. I consider that a win for the entire week. And now look at me, over achiever, writing a blog post.

I also put together a snazzy email for my coworkers – a farewell to most, a raised middle finger to a very very select few one. I’m so bitter, and believe it or not, I haven’t even been drinking. The longer I’m in counseling, it seems the better stand up routine I have.

As far as crafting goes…I can’t find that spark. It’s been almost a year, and it’s just…gone. I’ve been cooking out of necessity, but mostly I wander around my kitchen wondering where the inspiration is. I mean, it’s on Pinterest, but it’s so much easier to look at the pictures than to make my own. And you know…I don’t have a dishwasher. Do you know how much that sucks? I have to do dishes every single day. Every day! They are literally never done. Right now I have a small pile in the sink, a pan on the stove, and a sad lonely plate on the counter. I did dishes this morning. Twice. I’m so tired of dishes. Baking requires the use of a lot of them.

And that’s what it boils down to. I am lazy. I am just so lazy and over it.

I don’t think having this new job is going to magically cure my lethargy, but maybe I can at least get it together enough to write more. So I’m going to try to add this one ball into the fray. And also not giggle every time I say the word “ball”.

…hem some pants?

So in my last post, I mentioned that the world had given me lemons. I’ve collected a few more fruits since that post, and the road has been bumpy.

And then yesterday I did something I haven’t done in a relatively long time. I took out my sewing machine. I wasn’t tackling a new project or some great creative idea; we switched from khakis to black pants at work, and I had to hem a pair before I went in to close. It was a simple task, but I found the physical work soothing. Concentrating on measuring, placing pins straight, winding a bobbin…all of these easy and seemingly mundane tasks, well, I felt more real than I have in a long time.

I have another pair that need hemmed, and I close again tonight, so I hope to find that same simple joy this afternoon before heading in for the chaos.

It also amazes me still how even just bringing up the legs of pants I bought at a store can boost my confidence. I walked into work yesterday thinking “yeah…these pants look so good because I made them look good.”

I’m still not feeling ready to explore crafts more deeply again. I took out the sewing machine because one pair of pants for working a full time schedule is just not enough. It was a labor of necessity, not one of love, but if I have to force myself to do these things and then find joy in them, then so be it.

If I had to sum up what I’ve been feeling most lately, it’s foolish. For years I was wrapped up in trickster mythology – Coyote, Raven, Hermes, etc. The idea of the Fool was one that I was drawn to; a wise character whose wisdom blinds them to wise choices. Fools and Tricksters were often revered as a marvelous teachers. It falls to us to learn from their follies. They were stark reflections of our own poor choices, and our own need to learn from mistakes, no matter how smart we are.

Coyote, specifically, was one of my favorites. Coyote laughs when he should cry, and he cries when others laugh. I have cried a lot lately, and this morning I thought “perhaps I should laugh instead.” I did, and it lifted my spirits. So the Trickster proves again his wisdom, and I learn once again that I have much to learn.

Today I’m going to pick myself up enough to hem that last pair of pants. It seems trivial, but in a strange way, for me, it is the most important thing in the world.

When life gives you lemons…

So many ways to end that sentence, and yet none of them seem to apply.

Life for this polymath has taken a curve. I won’t say it’s for the worst because I’m living, have a job, and really…I can’t see the end of this trail, so what can I say about the destination? But it’s a sharp one, and it was (not entirely) unexpected.

Sparing the internet sphere the details, just move forward with the knowledge that a lot of things are very up in the air right now. Transition is something that I am not a stranger to, but some changes come with a little bit of heartache, and that’s what this is. A lot of heartache.

I’ve started going to counseling. I stopped crafting months ago when I became awash in apathy and a general sense of boredom. Ignoring those warning signs, I just plunged ahead, and I’m dealing with the consequences of that decision now. Part of that is growing up and digging through all of the things that have left me in this state. There’s a lot to dig through, a lot to mull over, and a lot to make up for.

I’ve let some people down. To be completely honest, most of those people can go on about their lives and keep to themselves, but I definitely am going to look back on this time one day and say “Sam…why were you so stupid?”

It’s as though I woke up one day and realized that the skin I was wearing didn’t fit me anymore, and I didn’t know what to do. How do you cope with watching your life from the outside? What do you do when you’re suddenly back in your body, and you don’t understand why you did things the way you did? That’s what I’m trying to learn. This time is surreal and yet all too real.

I have made a lot of stupid decisions in my life. I’ve made some smart decisions that just didn’t work out. The only constant, the only thing I can say for a fact, is that I’ve always managed to crawl my way up and get back on my feet. And when I do, I’m stronger for it. I don’t make light of the things I’ve lost, and so when I gain something new, it makes it that much more precious to me.

So I’ll not finish that sentence. I don’t know how yet.