So many ways to end that sentence, and yet none of them seem to apply.
Life for this polymath has taken a curve. I won’t say it’s for the worst because I’m living, have a job, and really…I can’t see the end of this trail, so what can I say about the destination? But it’s a sharp one, and it was (not entirely) unexpected.
Sparing the internet sphere the details, just move forward with the knowledge that a lot of things are very up in the air right now. Transition is something that I am not a stranger to, but some changes come with a little bit of heartache, and that’s what this is. A lot of heartache.
I’ve started going to counseling. I stopped crafting months ago when I became awash in apathy and a general sense of boredom. Ignoring those warning signs, I just plunged ahead, and I’m dealing with the consequences of that decision now. Part of that is growing up and digging through all of the things that have left me in this state. There’s a lot to dig through, a lot to mull over, and a lot to make up for.
I’ve let some people down. To be completely honest, most of those people can go on about their lives and keep to themselves, but I definitely am going to look back on this time one day and say “Sam…why were you so stupid?”
It’s as though I woke up one day and realized that the skin I was wearing didn’t fit me anymore, and I didn’t know what to do. How do you cope with watching your life from the outside? What do you do when you’re suddenly back in your body, and you don’t understand why you did things the way you did? That’s what I’m trying to learn. This time is surreal and yet all too real.
I have made a lot of stupid decisions in my life. I’ve made some smart decisions that just didn’t work out. The only constant, the only thing I can say for a fact, is that I’ve always managed to crawl my way up and get back on my feet. And when I do, I’m stronger for it. I don’t make light of the things I’ve lost, and so when I gain something new, it makes it that much more precious to me.
So I’ll not finish that sentence. I don’t know how yet.