When life gives you lemons…

So many ways to end that sentence, and yet none of them seem to apply.

Life for this polymath has taken a curve. I won’t say it’s for the worst because I’m living, have a job, and really…I can’t see the end of this trail, so what can I say about the destination? But it’s a sharp one, and it was (not entirely) unexpected.

Sparing the internet sphere the details, just move forward with the knowledge that a lot of things are very up in the air right now. Transition is something that I am not a stranger to, but some changes come with a little bit of heartache, and that’s what this is. A lot of heartache.

I’ve started going to counseling. I stopped crafting months ago when I became awash in apathy and a general sense of boredom. Ignoring those warning signs, I just plunged ahead, and I’m dealing with the consequences of that decision now. Part of that is growing up and digging through all of the things that have left me in this state. There’s a lot to dig through, a lot to mull over, and a lot to make up for.

I’ve let some people down. To be completely honest, most of those people can go on about their lives and keep to themselves, but I definitely am going to look back on this time one day and say “Sam…why were you so stupid?”

It’s as though I woke up one day and realized that the skin I was wearing didn’t fit me anymore, and I didn’t know what to do. How do you cope with watching your life from the outside? What do you do when you’re suddenly back in your body, and you don’t understand why you did things the way you did? That’s what I’m trying to learn. This time is surreal and yet all too real.

I have made a lot of stupid decisions in my life. I’ve made some smart decisions that just didn’t work out. The only constant, the only thing I can say for a fact, is that I’ve always managed to crawl my way up and get back on my feet. And when I do, I’m stronger for it. I don’t make light of the things I’ve lost, and so when I gain something new, it makes it that much more precious to me.

So I’ll not finish that sentence. I don’t know how yet.

4 thoughts on “When life gives you lemons…

  1. The main thing to remember, in my humble opinion, is that you can’t possibly control what other people think or feel, so any time wasted on that is time taken away from focusing on clarity for yourself. But it sounds like you’re not wasting time on that, so bravo, let the sentence remain unfinished until you find the words that suit you … and then change ’em again as the situation demands. That’s the beauty of reinvention. Love, Dad

  2. Getting it out there for discussion is always the hardest part, for me anyway. Once it is, however, it’s so much easier to ask someone else “Hey, what the hell did you do with that truck load of lemons I saw on your doorstep?” Then we can see that there are other ‘constants’ in our friends and family and even internet compadres…the constants of experience and trust and believing in each other. As much as we value our autonomy, its good to have companions on this journey. And I know you do…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s