The past week, week and a half, have been like floating through a story that has eliminated the human construct of time. Unless bound by social norms to perceive time in hours and days, I’ve literally just existed, and it’s been interesting, to say the least.
I’m not saying the darkness is gone because two weeks from now, I might be balled up on my bed, clutching my Marvel pillow while I shed tears over an innocuous line from a television show. It happens, you know. I am saying that, rather than manic, this up-slide has me feeling more calm and maybe…I wouldn’t say bitter, but let’s just say I’m cafe without the lait. It’s made for an interesting mix of happiness and I-don’t-give-a-fuckness that I think I could live with.
Wednesday I spent the whole day reading. I read an entire book and half of another, and that was all fit in around walking down to get FroYo (the fact that they have self-serve heaven so close to my apartment makes me convinced that the Universe is trying to forgive me for my foibles), going to the library, and even cooking a meal for myself. Actually cooking, too, not microwaving.
Thursday I made a Tilapia pesto bake that could have only been improved if the potatoes had been cooked all the way. Still not bad. And then I made two cupcakes. Exactly two cupcakes, and they were so good. I am so into this baking one or two at a time thing. I have found my oxytocin fix in baking with tablespoons instead of cups. It’s both weird and very fitting all at once.
And in case you’re wondering why I’m throwing around fancy science terms like “oxytocin,” it’s because I’ve been reading about the chemical makeup of our brains and emotions, and it is fascinating how much depends on our cells being able to bond with chemicals. It would sound like a poor excuse for things except that it’s scientifically proven.
So things are good. And then yesterday the main reason for my leaving the Holland store decided to creep up again, and rather than feel down about it all, I just got mad. I got so mad about how the people there treated me, how they fed me so much crap and manipulated me into being as miserable as they are. Did you know that humans respond to other humans’ chemical levels? That’s why women who live together will end up with concurrent menses. So, surrounded by surly, lonely people, they just increased my own levels of surliness and loneliness (read: lowered levels of oxytocin and higher levels of cortisol FTW). I am clear of all that now; yesterday was my last day filling in at Holland for as long as I can manage.
My previous moments of mania were difficult to sustain, but if there’s anything I’m good at, it’s bitter and sarcastic. If I find my peace here, then so be it. There are worse fates. To be sure there are much worse fates.
And then there’s this blog. I realize that it has fallen away from me. I’m just not the kind of person who thinks to take pictures of my baking activities until the goods are eaten, and I certainly am not baking to create aesthetically pleasing images of food in preparation. I don’t know enough about any one craft to be an authority to teach anything, except that I can recount the humorous tales of my mistakes. Happy to do that, mind, but I have to be active in the craft room to do that. I want to be crafty; I like creating things. But at some point I might have to face the fact that I want to be crafty in the same way that I want to have fifteen PhDs…it is a great fantasy, but it’s not realistic. It might be time to reimagine this place and stop enticing readers with false promises of crafts. And, seriously, how many food blogs are out there?? It’s like everyone with an English degree who can use a spatula decided, after realizing how useless an English degree can be, that they would find their treasures on the internet. This is a modern day gold rush; I would hazard to say that there is even a little bit of Oregon Trail/Donner party in this adventure. A century from now, bloggers of this generation will be known as CSSers, and they’ll tell tales about all of the people out to make their fortune that had to survive off of ad clicks until they struck it rich.
I think it’s great, but I don’t know if it’s for me. I’m scattered too much to have a blog dedicated to one, or even two things. Now if I could have a Technology/Football/Baking/Sometimes Crafting/Reading/Philosophy/Comics/British Television/Humor/Social Awkwardness/Look At What I Found On Pinterest blog, then I would be set. But I’m not sure what I’d call that except maybe the “Yes, I Like That Too Polymath”. I could market it as a blog where your useless thoughts and ideas go to die.
Anyway. This is, sadly, one of the longest posts that I’ve ever made. But I’ve got to cut it short. I’m going to try to make cheddar bay biscuits today. And then I’ve got to fit in a run/jog. And then there’s football.
Keep it crafty.