Dear #ohana, I humbly submit for your approval this highly plagiarized and marginally altered version of “A Visit from St. Nicholas.” Because nothing says Christmas more than over-used tropes and sloppy satire.
In all seriousness, you are my #ohana, and I wish you all safe and happy holidays.
Twas the week before Christmas, or just thereabouts;
Not a user was stirring, in Contacts or Accounts;
The records were updated and cleaned with great care,
Knowing that deals soon would be there;
The admins were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of badges danced in their heads;
And Astro in her ’kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains on a new winter app,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But Cloudy the goat, and Codey the bear,
With a little old genius, white hair so sublime,
I knew in a moment it must be Einstein.
More rapid than eagles his insights they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
“Now, Contacts! now, Campaigns! now, Accounts and Contacts!
On, Leads! on, Emails! on, Answers and Contracts!
To the top of the feed! the top Chatter wall!
Now update! update! automate all!”
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;
So up to the house-top the insights they flew,
With all the Release Notes, and Sir Einstein too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each Cloudy hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Sir Einstein came with a bound.
He was dressed in a suit, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of Notes he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a pedler just opening his pack.
His eyes—how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the datasets; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle,
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night.”