Pause

April was a strange month.

I think of a roller coaster – stillness and steady humming to the top of a precipice that I know is coming, but then cresting the top and looking down at the drop on the other side and feeling like it’s completely unexpected. Freefalling, excitement, and terror, then being flung into a turn before catching my breath.

May will likely be much the same.

It has never been easy for me to leave something behind, especially if I poured much of myself into it. Even little things – easter eggs nestled in out-of-the-way places or ideas that I carefully brought to reality. Leave things better than you found them. I strive for that. I hope I succeed.

It is also difficult for me to accept my adulthood sometimes. I’m not old. But I do adult things now; I have a mortgage, a 401k. Every job I’ve ever taken has been accompanied with a feeling of am I actually grown up enough for this?

But it’s bittersweet now to get something sweeter. I’ve put in time (less than I thought I’d have to, admittedly) and I’ve put a little bit of heart and soul into all of this, so no one can say I didn’t earn it. I’m happy.

And I’m tired.

There is still so much I wanted to do, to finish, and there isn’t the time. I have to let go, hand over the keys, step aside and cede the stage to someone else. I have to trust that they will put the time and care into things the way that I did. I trust my manager to find that person.

I just need to pause for a moment – a moment I haven’t allowed myself yet. Pause and sit and consider the path behind me, prepare for the path ahead of me. Breathe.

Amazing things are coming, and I am excited and terrified. But definitely happy.