Limbo. Or “how TFA continues to screw with me”

I still hadn’t heard from GVSU by today, and while I wasn’t entirely surprised, I was concerned that perhaps there was some difficulty with transcripts.

Sure enough, for some unknown reason, I went against my gut and had listed my time at Delta State on my application. I thought I had deleted it before submitting it, but I guess I did not because they told me today that I haven’t heard anything because they haven’t gotten those transcripts. Of course, the only way to request them is by mail because Delta State is still caught in the days of the Pony Express. And of course they are closed for the winter holiday, so I could not get anyone on the phone.

And so here I am, suspended in animation – somewhere between settling for less than I feel I am capable of and actually doing something to remedy that fact.

The only reason I went to Delta State was because of TFA, and the only reason I am in Michigan now, toiling away in customer service, is because of TFA. I feel like a failure because of me, but it’s easier to blame TFA. I resent ever reading that article and deciding that I should join.

I feel…deflated.

I was called in to cover a shift tonight (4 to 11) for a coworker who is ill. I have already abandoned the Christmas spirit this year because I am too tired to care to do anything more than go through the motions. I feel that I am falling short because I don’t make enough money to get Eric all of the things he wants, and I know that he always buys me extravagant gifts. I feel inferior to him because of it, and that just saps the joy out of the gift-giving season for me. I have always preferred giving great gifts to receiving, and not being able to really do that…I don’t know. Commercialism is winning out right now, and my work in retail plays a big role in that.

And now I must wait even longer to feel that I am making a difference in my life. I cannot believe how insanely reckless I am sometimes, flying blind and charging ahead; this is always how it ends, and yet I cannot seem to change. I inevitably end up finding my oversights at a time when I can do nothing about it immediately, leaving me plenty of time to wallow in self-doubt.

The last thing I need to be doing today is dealing with people who are angry/frustrated/needing to fix something. I can’t even fix my own mistakes…